When Brain met Anxiety.

I have G.A.D., otherwise known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. (See also: Bane of My Existence, Productivity Disabler, Crazy-Maker and Worst Case Scenario-Generator.)

And I want to write about it because just knowing other people deal with the same stuff really makes me feel a lot better. So maybe, this will make you feel better if you've dealt with it, too.

Before I knew I had this...thing...I assumed the world was as terrifying as my brain decided it was. I have had it for as long as I can remember, and it gets better and worse with certain life events and ages.

Finding out I actually had something identifiable made everything easier, because then I could develop a strategy to fix it.

Let me be honest with you: I know lots of people are dealing with far, far worse things than an anxious mind. I am not going to pretend this particular issue of mine is even remotely close to the same league as other very serious problems. But a lot of times I feel stupid even bringing it up because to people who haven't dealt with consistent anxiety, it probably just sounds weak and petty. Really, I just want people to understand why I act strange sometimes, or have panic attacks about weird things.

Plus, I get a little S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) in the winter. I live in a basement and work nowhere remotely close to a window, so I lack Vitamin D, and it gets pretty easy to become depressed.
I picked up some supplements for that and I do think it's helping a bit.

Here is a sampling of my thoughts this morning, to show you what I'm working with:

"What if someone watches me leave every morning? Will I get jumped? What if I get kidnapped while I'm scraping off the car?"

"I read about this woman who had a giant cyst and it could have ruptured and killed her. I better get checked for giant cysts."

"What if I get in a car accident on my way home for Christmas?"

"Is there deadly bacteria in my water bottle?"

"Oh, I really wish I could take back that time I...(Insert long list of random things. I always have a guilt playlist on rotation.)"

"Is someone hiding in my car?"

"That woman in the book I'm reading got murdered. I better prepare for a murderer attack, because chances of it happening are high."

"***Hears Noise****Is that a ghost? I think it's a ghost."

"What if the ghost just waits around to show itself until I'm alone?"

"What if I'm secretly a terrible person and don't know it?"

 I'd like to reiterate that those are all thoughts from THIS MORNING, probably over the span of one hour.

My counselor gave me a test to take, and I am what it calls a "catastrophizer." I jump to the worst-possible conclusion and assume that is without a doubt what will happen. That also makes me a bit of a hypochondriac.

Fun fact: Tom and I have this container that we put extra change into to save up for a trip. But it has become our "trip" OR "emergency room fund" jar the next time I think I am dying for no apparent reason. (I have had a couple false alarm ER adventures.) I will occasionally add extra money when I'm really having a bad bout of hypochondria for no reason. It sounds dumb, but it actually helps me stop and think about whether or not I am actually, truly, in need of medical assistance. Surprisingly, since starting this (and with Tom's endless patience and reassurance), my hypochondria has subsided slightly.

I have also gotten the hell away from WebMD.

So in order to retain my sanity, I journal.
I blog.
I exercise, though I admit I have slacked on that in recent.
I rarely drink caffeine.
Lately, whenever I'm feeling anxious about something, I remind myself the thought will pass, and I try to consider what I'm grateful for.
And I just started going to counseling, which I strongly recommend for anyone dealing with something that feels like it's just too much.
My counselor (therapist? psychologist? I always forget the difference between all those) is awesome, and she makes me feel sane.
I remember that my anxiety accompanies a very active imagination, and paired together, that allows me to write and create better. There is an upside to it, and I would never want a different brain.
I just want to manage it better. And I have wonderful people around who make me laugh and remind me to live in the moment.

I've been wanting to write about this because after graduation and leaving the full-time job I had for two weeks, I entered this phase of disarray and anxiety. It's still here, but I'm working through it.

I have a bad habit of only wanting to write about things once I've sorted it all out, so that I can say, "I went through this and survived! Look how stable and awesome my life is now!"

But my life is still awesome, and I like having things to work through. Because then, I feel like I am able to get a little wiser, stronger and more capable every day.

Plus, the blogging world has a lot of shiny, perfect veneers all over the place, and I really appreciate hearing people's honest struggles. I figured I should return the favor. And I will continue to do so, as best as I can. (Sounds like Resolution 2014 material to me!)

Finally, I found this image, which I absolutely loved:

Via