When Brain met Anxiety.

I have G.A.D., otherwise known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. (See also: Bane of My Existence, Productivity Disabler, Crazy-Maker and Worst Case Scenario-Generator.)

And I want to write about it because just knowing other people deal with the same stuff really makes me feel a lot better. So maybe, this will make you feel better if you've dealt with it, too.

Before I knew I had this...thing...I assumed the world was as terrifying as my brain decided it was. I have had it for as long as I can remember, and it gets better and worse with certain life events and ages.

Finding out I actually had something identifiable made everything easier, because then I could develop a strategy to fix it.

Let me be honest with you: I know lots of people are dealing with far, far worse things than an anxious mind. I am not going to pretend this particular issue of mine is even remotely close to the same league as other very serious problems. But a lot of times I feel stupid even bringing it up because to people who haven't dealt with consistent anxiety, it probably just sounds weak and petty. Really, I just want people to understand why I act strange sometimes, or have panic attacks about weird things.

Plus, I get a little S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) in the winter. I live in a basement and work nowhere remotely close to a window, so I lack Vitamin D, and it gets pretty easy to become depressed.
I picked up some supplements for that and I do think it's helping a bit.

Here is a sampling of my thoughts this morning, to show you what I'm working with:

"What if someone watches me leave every morning? Will I get jumped? What if I get kidnapped while I'm scraping off the car?"

"I read about this woman who had a giant cyst and it could have ruptured and killed her. I better get checked for giant cysts."

"What if I get in a car accident on my way home for Christmas?"

"Is there deadly bacteria in my water bottle?"

"Oh, I really wish I could take back that time I...(Insert long list of random things. I always have a guilt playlist on rotation.)"

"Is someone hiding in my car?"

"That woman in the book I'm reading got murdered. I better prepare for a murderer attack, because chances of it happening are high."

"***Hears Noise****Is that a ghost? I think it's a ghost."

"What if the ghost just waits around to show itself until I'm alone?"

"What if I'm secretly a terrible person and don't know it?"

 I'd like to reiterate that those are all thoughts from THIS MORNING, probably over the span of one hour.

My counselor gave me a test to take, and I am what it calls a "catastrophizer." I jump to the worst-possible conclusion and assume that is without a doubt what will happen. That also makes me a bit of a hypochondriac.

Fun fact: Tom and I have this container that we put extra change into to save up for a trip. But it has become our "trip" OR "emergency room fund" jar the next time I think I am dying for no apparent reason. (I have had a couple false alarm ER adventures.) I will occasionally add extra money when I'm really having a bad bout of hypochondria for no reason. It sounds dumb, but it actually helps me stop and think about whether or not I am actually, truly, in need of medical assistance. Surprisingly, since starting this (and with Tom's endless patience and reassurance), my hypochondria has subsided slightly.

I have also gotten the hell away from WebMD.

So in order to retain my sanity, I journal.
I blog.
I exercise, though I admit I have slacked on that in recent.
I rarely drink caffeine.
Lately, whenever I'm feeling anxious about something, I remind myself the thought will pass, and I try to consider what I'm grateful for.
And I just started going to counseling, which I strongly recommend for anyone dealing with something that feels like it's just too much.
My counselor (therapist? psychologist? I always forget the difference between all those) is awesome, and she makes me feel sane.
I remember that my anxiety accompanies a very active imagination, and paired together, that allows me to write and create better. There is an upside to it, and I would never want a different brain.
I just want to manage it better. And I have wonderful people around who make me laugh and remind me to live in the moment.

I've been wanting to write about this because after graduation and leaving the full-time job I had for two weeks, I entered this phase of disarray and anxiety. It's still here, but I'm working through it.

I have a bad habit of only wanting to write about things once I've sorted it all out, so that I can say, "I went through this and survived! Look how stable and awesome my life is now!"

But my life is still awesome, and I like having things to work through. Because then, I feel like I am able to get a little wiser, stronger and more capable every day.

Plus, the blogging world has a lot of shiny, perfect veneers all over the place, and I really appreciate hearing people's honest struggles. I figured I should return the favor. And I will continue to do so, as best as I can. (Sounds like Resolution 2014 material to me!)

Finally, I found this image, which I absolutely loved:

Via

Anxiety.

Hello there!

This is something I have been wanting to post about for awhile, 

but wasn't exactly sure how to present it.

I want to talk about it for two reasons:

1. It makes me feel better to get it out there.

2. Maybe it could help other people.

A little anxiety in life is normal. Healthy, even. It keeps us on top of our game in stressful situations and can even kick in as a survival instinct.

However, for some of us, that instinct is a little out of whack.

I had atrocious anxiety as a child. It went away during high school, but at this point in my life, it came back with a vengeance.

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is where you feel anxious and nervous about anything and everything, all the time.

You know how you feel when you think you forgot to do something important that you can't quite remember, and it nags at you?

That's how I feel all the time.

It's pretty common, but it's also terribly distracting.

On top of that, I am a MAJOR hypochondriac. Google is my greatest frenemy.

Pretty much every day I believe that I have some kind of terminal disease even when it has been proven to me that I DO NOT have it. So I look up other things I could have.

It's a vicious cycle, and it's a major time suck.

I spend SO much time, sometimes up to an hour or two, looking up things 

that could be wrong with me. Almost every day.

Do you know what I could be doing with that time?

LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

To be honest with you, it's a bit debilitating.

I do see a counselor for this, but it's very difficult for me to convey (for some reason) what I'm actually going through.

And I'm trying to handle it all very organically, because while medicine can be helpful, 

it's just a Band-Aid for the real underlying issues.

So it's a bit of a journey for me right now. I am trying to be very honest with myself and accept that it IS possible to change these ways of thinking, but it takes time.

Plenty of people have overcome anxiety and hypochondria, but it's not a quick fix by any means.

This winter I was diagnosed with something called Chiari Malformation, Type I.

It is not life-threatening, just annoying, and there are many varying degrees of it.

I have the mildest version of it, but it comes with symptoms like random numbness, awful headaches, dizziness, arm pain, blurry vision, muscle weakness...the list goes on and on.

After I had that diagnosis, my hypochondria kicked into overdrive. I wondered what else could be wrong.

I think the worst part for me is that some people treat it like a joke.

When you say you have hypochondria, are anxious about something ridiculous or have convinced yourself you have some kind of disease, people laugh about it.

I know, because they do it to me.

It's easy to try to joke about it or laugh it off, but when it comes right down to it, 

it's very scary to try to deal with. It's extremely challenging to work through. And it is something that absolutely requires the support of family and friends.

I have been lucky enough to have people close to me who do take it seriously and try to support me even when I'm acting crazy.

I think the important thing, first of all, is awareness. I felt better when I found out I had an anxiety disorder because it proved the world wasn't as awful as I thought; my brain was just processing it that way.

But now I have to begin trying to get better, and it really is a challenge. But I'm working on it. Exercise, a balanced diet and creative outlets help tremendously. Being alone and drinking caffeine does not. I'm just in the process of finding out what works for me.

So...that's what's on my mind today.

(If you read all of this I'm pretty impressed.)

Mostly I just wanted to get that out there. I would love to hear from anyone going through the same thing, or just any thoughts on it, really.

Sidenote...it's almost the weekend!

Now there's something to smile about.

:)