When Brain met Anxiety.

I have G.A.D., otherwise known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. (See also: Bane of My Existence, Productivity Disabler, Crazy-Maker and Worst Case Scenario-Generator.)

And I want to write about it because just knowing other people deal with the same stuff really makes me feel a lot better. So maybe, this will make you feel better if you've dealt with it, too.

Before I knew I had this...thing...I assumed the world was as terrifying as my brain decided it was. I have had it for as long as I can remember, and it gets better and worse with certain life events and ages.

Finding out I actually had something identifiable made everything easier, because then I could develop a strategy to fix it.

Let me be honest with you: I know lots of people are dealing with far, far worse things than an anxious mind. I am not going to pretend this particular issue of mine is even remotely close to the same league as other very serious problems. But a lot of times I feel stupid even bringing it up because to people who haven't dealt with consistent anxiety, it probably just sounds weak and petty. Really, I just want people to understand why I act strange sometimes, or have panic attacks about weird things.

Plus, I get a little S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) in the winter. I live in a basement and work nowhere remotely close to a window, so I lack Vitamin D, and it gets pretty easy to become depressed.
I picked up some supplements for that and I do think it's helping a bit.

Here is a sampling of my thoughts this morning, to show you what I'm working with:

"What if someone watches me leave every morning? Will I get jumped? What if I get kidnapped while I'm scraping off the car?"

"I read about this woman who had a giant cyst and it could have ruptured and killed her. I better get checked for giant cysts."

"What if I get in a car accident on my way home for Christmas?"

"Is there deadly bacteria in my water bottle?"

"Oh, I really wish I could take back that time I...(Insert long list of random things. I always have a guilt playlist on rotation.)"

"Is someone hiding in my car?"

"That woman in the book I'm reading got murdered. I better prepare for a murderer attack, because chances of it happening are high."

"***Hears Noise****Is that a ghost? I think it's a ghost."

"What if the ghost just waits around to show itself until I'm alone?"

"What if I'm secretly a terrible person and don't know it?"

 I'd like to reiterate that those are all thoughts from THIS MORNING, probably over the span of one hour.

My counselor gave me a test to take, and I am what it calls a "catastrophizer." I jump to the worst-possible conclusion and assume that is without a doubt what will happen. That also makes me a bit of a hypochondriac.

Fun fact: Tom and I have this container that we put extra change into to save up for a trip. But it has become our "trip" OR "emergency room fund" jar the next time I think I am dying for no apparent reason. (I have had a couple false alarm ER adventures.) I will occasionally add extra money when I'm really having a bad bout of hypochondria for no reason. It sounds dumb, but it actually helps me stop and think about whether or not I am actually, truly, in need of medical assistance. Surprisingly, since starting this (and with Tom's endless patience and reassurance), my hypochondria has subsided slightly.

I have also gotten the hell away from WebMD.

So in order to retain my sanity, I journal.
I blog.
I exercise, though I admit I have slacked on that in recent.
I rarely drink caffeine.
Lately, whenever I'm feeling anxious about something, I remind myself the thought will pass, and I try to consider what I'm grateful for.
And I just started going to counseling, which I strongly recommend for anyone dealing with something that feels like it's just too much.
My counselor (therapist? psychologist? I always forget the difference between all those) is awesome, and she makes me feel sane.
I remember that my anxiety accompanies a very active imagination, and paired together, that allows me to write and create better. There is an upside to it, and I would never want a different brain.
I just want to manage it better. And I have wonderful people around who make me laugh and remind me to live in the moment.

I've been wanting to write about this because after graduation and leaving the full-time job I had for two weeks, I entered this phase of disarray and anxiety. It's still here, but I'm working through it.

I have a bad habit of only wanting to write about things once I've sorted it all out, so that I can say, "I went through this and survived! Look how stable and awesome my life is now!"

But my life is still awesome, and I like having things to work through. Because then, I feel like I am able to get a little wiser, stronger and more capable every day.

Plus, the blogging world has a lot of shiny, perfect veneers all over the place, and I really appreciate hearing people's honest struggles. I figured I should return the favor. And I will continue to do so, as best as I can. (Sounds like Resolution 2014 material to me!)

Finally, I found this image, which I absolutely loved:

Via

Attention Millennials: Anyone else sick of hearing about how much we suck?

My last semester of college, (AKA two months ago) my professor assigned an excerpt for us to read from "The Dumbest Generation" by Mark Bauerlein.

By the time I was reading that article, I was so sick and tired of reading about how dumb millennials are. How we don't read. We lack empathy. We have no idea how to communicate effectively. We want to spend our days in basements not working for anything. 

(Ironically, I was the only pissed off one in the class. I later realized I was the only one who actually read it. Not helping our case, guys.)

I have been assigned similar articles throughout the entirety of my college career, and I realized that I didn't know a single peer who fit that bill. 

I would like to explain something before sounding like a hypocrite.

I wrote this post while reading that article.

But I am happy to report that it's not just people of my generation who seem to have a hard time discussing something other than how much they hate things.

It's a healthy mix of "everyone in between."

People who are ungrateful. Who don't care. Who only know how to gossip.

Every generation has them.

But you know what else? There are plenty of people who do care. Yes, on that particular day, I was feeling a bit downtrodden by people I had been speaking to. But I do have friends who engage in intellectual conversations. And they span a wide variety of ages. 

With that out of the way, I would like to move onto the topic at hand:

I am so tired of hearing about how my generation is going to destroy the world.

A friend posted this article on Facebook, along with this.

I found this one to be fair as well.

Look, I can't speak for all millennials, but I love talking to people. Fishing for their motives. Finding out what drives them. And let me tell you, I know an incredible amount of caring, driven, compassionate, humble millennials. Here is what I know about millennials I know in real life:

-We want to work. We do not feel like something should be "handed to us," as is so often assumed. We expect, just like every generation before us, to work. And we expect to find it. I think that is a fair expectation to have. We also realize the economy is not at its best, and that search can be grueling. Trust me, I know. I'm in the middle of it right now. I expect it to take time, hard work and a whole lot of proving myself, but yes, I do expect to eventually find a job and a career path.

-We value more than money. There is a stereotype that floats around that paints the millennial as someone who wants to be a millionaire without working for it. Do those people exist? I'm sure they do, somewhere. I don't know any of them. Those I do know have realistic expectations of what they should receive, and expect to work for it. Regardless of what trophies they were handed in little league.

-Please, leave us alone about the freaking smart phones! I get it. The internet is all up in our business. Last I checked, our entire society is inundated with it. Not just millennials. Yes, we've practically grown up with it. Yes, we now operate our daily lives with it. But this is a societal switch. Are we used to it and accustomed to it now? Yes. And so is pretty much everyone else.

-"Here we are. Now, entertain us." We are capable of getting work done without having to be seduced by shiny gadgets that talk to us. I promise. You don't have to lure us to your university/workplace with an iPad.

-Some of us are narcissistic wimps who live in a dream bubble. It's called "youth." Every generation is criticized for it, not just millennials. Doesn't it make sense that people just getting started on their careers who aren't yet married with children are going to be self-absorbed? Why shouldn't they be? I'm not saying they shouldn't care about anything besides themselves. I'm just saying that selfishness in youth can be an effective, though mildly annoying, survival skill that helps us fight for what we need in order to set up a solid future.

All that being said, stereotypes don't jump from thin air. There are plenty of wired hipsters out there who don't want a real job. And there are plenty more who defy all of that. The world is changing, not just the world's youth.

I really got tired of the professor who assigned us that article bashing us about how dumb, lazy and pathetic we were. Guess what? That professor was 28. Otherwise known as a millennial. 

But hippie and hipster alike, this all may just be a rite of passage to our thirties, where people leave us alone and focus on the next group of whippersnappers out to wreck everything. Like Generation Y and Baby Boomers, every generation goes through it, and every generation has their stereotype.

Ours just happens to instagram our breakfast and watch a lot of cat videos. Simultaneously. And then Tweet about it from our parents' basement.

Now if you'll excuse me...I have to go back to job hunting.

What's your personality type?

At the crack of dawn tomorrow morning, I will meet with my friend for some pre-work breakfast.

She and I meet every Thursday morning at 6 a.m., get pancakes (or some other sunrise equivalent) and talk personality types. Myers Briggs style.

I love this stuff, and I always have. I seriously can't get enough. It's fun. And so far, I have found it to be pretty dead-on. 

Tom and I are both INTJ's. Interestingly, I have read that is the least common personality type for a female to possess. So that either makes me really cool, or really un-relatable. Either way, I accept it.

Tom and I both being INTJ's is really interesting because outwardly, we seem pretty different. But really, the only main difference is that I talk more than he does. He and I are actually remarkably similar. 

To give you a good example, imagine Spock dating himself. I think that's probably what our relationship looks like from the outside. But it's great fun, because we really "get" each other.

Oddly enough, I love having an INTJ as a boyfriend, but as friends? No way. I tend to prefer people who are vastly different from myself, with the exception of a few. 

Which personality type are you?

This is the best quiz I've found:

Here

Comment below with your type, and if you're just as into it as I am!