Quick Reflections

Today is my last day of work at my internship. I used to think I would be an intern forever, sitting there in my windowless cubicle. I kind of loved that cubicle (and the people around it) but I am ready to move on to something new! 

I really hate the beginnings of things. I like being established. But no one really enjoys being the new person, do they? We all have to go through it.

I have to stop by my new job after work (we get out at 12:15 on Fridays...I'm definitely going to miss that!) so I can get some papers filled out and do some of the awkward introductions today. I am excited to make new friends! But meeting a large group of people for the first time makes me pretty uncomfortable. So I will get some of that out of the way this afternoon.

Tom and I went to St. Louis last weekend to visit family! My dad, stepmom and stepbrothers live there, so that was fun. It was actually warm enough Saturday morning for Tom and me to visit the nearby dog park!

I have some RAGING puppy fever, so we were the weirdos standing there eyeing people's dogs. This woman had a French Bulldog/Boston Terrier mix, and I zeroed in on her instantly. The poor woman. I was asking her all about her dog, and it was probably a good thing I wasn't also wearing my French Bulldog sweater.

We also visited Old St. Charles and ate potato soup outside. It was perfect. Can't wait to return!

At the dog park/ regular park. I am learning how to use my Afterlight photo app.

And St. Charles:

P.S. I think Tom and I won a free trip to the Bahamas from a bridal show we attended...so we will find out tomorrow if that's a scam.

Happy Friday!!!

Mini Marvels: The Small-Town Bar

Mini Marvels. I'm not talking tiny superheroes. (When I wrote "superheroes" the first time I actually wrote "super-hoes." It's Monday.) 

A mini marvel is a quick snapshot of something interesting or exciting or otherwise noteworthy that happened in my life. You might not read all of it, but it's one of those things I like looking back on. Which is the point of a blog, right? :)

This one is called "The Small-Town Bar."

Me, Tom and my stepbrother Trey at a Japanese Steakhouse this weekend. (Just before our bar adventure!)

Tom and me at a rare bar outing in November

Once 9 p.m. hits, I call it a night. I rarely stay out past that hour anymore. I prefer the early morning hours, when most people are quiet or asleep or at home eating breakfast. That's when I like to go out in the world. Because of that, I don't frequent many bars.

We walked into the small-town Missouri bar last Saturday night at 9:15. For most people there, the night was just beginning. We were there to watch a band play for my stepmom's promotional work. The band members were in their fifties and sixties and had the energy of twentysomethings.

Tom and I sat back by bar, watching the crowd from behind the action. We are drawn to dark, quiet corners where no one will talk to us, and that's where we ended up here. An empty wall by the pool tables. We split a rum and coke and a water and talked about our future dog. (Boxer or French Bulldog?) I set my knees between his and we created our own little corner of the place.

We were only approached once by an older man who'd had too much to drink. He was saying something about us playing pool and how I should play because I just might "kick my husband to-be's ass at it." 

It was smoky in the bar, and because Illinois has laws against indoor smoking, Tom and I weren't used to it. After the man was done talking to us, we stepped outside for some fresh air. It was chilly outside that strip mall, hovering just above freezing. And when it was time to walk back in again, the sound of the music and shouted discussions, combined with that classic smoke-and-beer bar smell, was nearly painful.

But then, we were engulfed in it. We sat down near my family at the very front, watching the band. I was distracted by the whole feel of that place. Bars in big cities are filled with people wearing hundreds of dollars in clothing and downing that same amount in booze. But here, a group of women who looked like they strolled over from the PTA meeting jumped up and danced along to "Sweet Home Alabama." They wore Walmart mom jeans and curly mullet hairstyles and danced the whole time. 

They didn't look around to see who was watching. There were tatooed people, people who were at least 80 and people who likely had motorcycles parked out front. All of them mingled together.

There were couples, too, and they slow-danced to the band's cover of Eric Clapton's "You Look Wonderful Tonight." Tom and I joined that very diverse group. We love to dance together. We may spend the whole night avoiding human contact, but play us a good song and we'll happily be the only people on the dance floor.

The main singer's son got up to sing a song. No one expected much of him. But when he belted out the first line of "Friends in Low Places," everyone was shocked. If I closed my eyes, I could swear Garth Brooks was on that stage.

I have visited plenty of bars throughout the country, and I always prefer small-town, rural bars. Walking through those doors is like stepping into the heart of America. It's beer and music and hard-working people unwinding at the end of their week, and there are all kinds of camo and beard combinations. The people are nice. They aren't there to put on a show . They're there to meet with their friends and the bar regulars to catch up on the week they've all had. It's unassuming, but like the singer's son, you would be surprised at what you might find in a little place like that. 

Seeking True Balance: A Waste of Time?

(Need help prioritizing? Dogs know what really matters.)

I read something really interesting yesterday that changed the way I think about balance.

Americans love the word "balance." Look at any popular women's magazine and you will see stories about fitting everything in, having it all, balancing your life, etc.

I think we forget to distinguish between having it all at once, and having it all over time.

Then there is balance. Last year it was a big goal of mine. Find the time to eat right, excel at work, work out, spend time with friends and family, make time for hobbies, etc. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to do all of that. It's human nature to want to do it all well. But no matter what, you only have 100% of yourself to give, and the only way to handle everything is through prioritizing.

I used to get really upset with myself. I'd put in a ton of effort to my personal health, but my studies would fall by the wayside. I'd want extra time with Tom, but then couldn't make plans with friends. I'd take some time for a mental health break, but my newspaper articles wouldn't be as good that week.

Then yesterday, while I was studying a few books on a religion, I learned something that made a lot of sense. I have talked a little about my quest to find faith this year. Just by my personality, science tends to resonate with me better than religion. But for years I have wanted to expand my spiritual side, so this year, I am studying different religions to see if any of them speak my language, I guess.

The book I was reading was talking about nature and the seasons. It said how as humans, we are constantly seeking balance, but in nature, there are only about two days out of the year where lightness and darkness are actually balanced. We celebrate those as equinoxes, and we enjoy them, but for the rest of the year, there is more light than darkness, and vise versa.

We don't try to force more or less light into our days. We adjust, because it's nature, and that's all we can do. I think it's the same with our daily lives. There is nothing wrong with striving to do better in certain areas of life, but actively aiming for something impossible is crazy, and will only leave us depressed. There isn't perfect balance in nature. Why do we expect it out of ourselves?

Are we just playing a game of Keeping Up with the Joneses? Pinterest is pretty, but we shouldn't start to believe a perfect body, wardrobe, relationship, wedding, career and baking skills can exist simultaneously in our lives like they can on a pin board.

My focus this year is career. My fitness and eating habits probably won't be perfect. I might not sleep as much as I should. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Wouldn't it to better to shift focus from one area to another instead of hoping to make every area of your life shine all at once?

As always, family comes first. I need them around so that I can feel confident and supported in my career, but that takes effort on my part to make time for them.

Perfection is impossible, and so is the perfect balance.Be gentle with yourself and your journey to success, whatever that means to you. Existing is hard work, and juggling everything takes stamina and determination. Conversely, that determination comes from meditation and understanding what matters most to you. Reflection and action in varying amounts, just like lightness and darkness.

Happy Friday!

FINALLY! No more job hunting.

I have waited a long, long time to be able to write this post. Eight months, to be exact.

I posted here about getting a new job, and well...I got ANOTHER new job! The first one I mentioned is going to a part-time, work-from-home position. The second one is a full-time position with a company I have wanted to work for since before I graduated. I couldn't have described a more perfect job for me right now, and after eight months of letdowns and self-doubt, this is an amazing development.

I have dreamed of writing this post because I knew job hunting would not last forever, but the wait was grueling. It was hard to watch every one of my friends end up in positions suited for their skills and degrees, and I remained at my internship. I loved it there, but it was time to move on. As with a lot of things in life, the waiting and uncertainty was the hardest part.

When I left my first full-time job back in June, I assumed I would be out a job through the summer, maximum. If I only knew. I went back to my old internship. Summer became fall, fall became winter, 2013 became 2014 and I was exhausted. January was awful. I had a couple meltdowns that I'd been holding back because I really didn't think I would get to 2014 without a full-time position. I re-drew career path plans about a million times, hoping something would make sense. I knew how incredibly lucky I was to have part-time work in an internship in my field, but I still felt like my life was on hold.

The funny thing is, I knew this was an important time for me. I had been so work-centric my whole life that I placed my entire worth on what career I would have. I had to learn over time that a job is just a job, and self-worth is intrinsic. You can't decide you're something just because you have a job, and are suddenly nothing when you don't. That was very hard for me, but very necessary.

To those of you going through something similar...it will work out. Even when you feel like the last person IN THE WORLD still job hunting. (It's easy to get dramatic during this time. I know.) Even if you've been looking for the better part of a year and have been turned down several times. Even if you ***absolutely knew*** before graduation that you would never have to look long for a job. My ego was knocked down several notches during this time.

I always used to say "Even if I don't get a job right after graduation, I will work at McDonald's or something. I'm not above any job. I'll do what I need to do." Ha! That sounded good in theory, until even part-time jobs didn't want me. So for those of you waiting on something...a job, finding the right person, etc...I understand some of that struggle now MUCH better than before all this. It's draining, but it's a good time to take a step back and focus on what you really want.

I had a feeling the timing would work out when it was meant to, and not a second before. I kept that in the back of my mind while I scrambled frantically through the last eight months, but it was really important to hang onto..

I start Mar. 3, and I can't wait!

Wedding Bells Wednesday: The Dress, part one.

This past weekend, I tried on wedding dresses.

Yes, our wedding is still a year and a half away, and I didn't want to step foot in a dress shop until this summer. But when your best friend needs you to go get sized for a bridesmaid dress and you have to make an appointment anyway, I mean, why not?

I wasn't sure how I would be with all this. I have watched A LOT of "Say Yes to the Dress" in my life, and it really made me wary of dress shopping.

Would I cry?

Would I have to bring fifteen people along?

Would all fifteen people have to wear matching shirts?

Would someone start some drama about how I couldn't wear that dress because she wanted to wear it?

Would I suddenly demand a $12,000 Cinderella gown?

Would someone ask me if I was saying Yes to the Dress? 

I feel totally clueless about a lot of wedding things. Some people just seem like brides, you know? They've known what they wanted their entire lives when it comes to their wedding. 

I'm pretty sure I'm not one of those people. I was definitely destined to be married to Thomas. But the bride thing is a little hazy and weird and sort of outside my realm of things I am naturally good at. 

Dress shopping, though? That was actually fun. Lots of fun.

I really didn't want to find a dress this past weekend. I wanted to find out what shapes would look good on me. Straps/no straps? Ball gown/ mermaid/ A-line? (Those are all the wedding dress-related words I can think of.)

Except I found one. I have had it pinned on my secret Pinterest dress board (hehe..I love those secret boards) for ages, so when I saw it in the store, I freaked out a little bit. It's weird to stare at something for so long online and then suddenly see it in front of you. And then I tried it on, and it was perfect.

Of course, I am making no commitments yet. I still have to go dress shopping with my mom in my hometown, and possibly in St. Louis. And I have plenty of time yet. But it just felt right. It was the very first dress I found, and I pictured myself getting married in it.

That wasn't the only dress I tried on, however! I tried on plenty of others that I loved but were completely not my style. So since I will definitely not be wearing any of those, and even Tom saw these pictures, I will show them here!

(Note: The dress I like best is actually nothing like these. I almost published this post with that dress blatantly hanging in the background haha.)

I LOVED that first one with the deep v-back! But again, totally not my style. It will look absolutely stunning...on someone else.

That last one nearly knocked me out. Literally. Like I thought I was going to pass out because it was so tight. 

And so, the journey begins :) I really wish I could post the dress I am completely in love with, but since I can't, I will just continue staring at the pictures of it daily.

Did you/ will you enjoy dress shopping? How long did it take to you to find "the one"?

Guacamole Face, Birthday Owls and Dopplegangers

Cold-weather friends (or those who just have perpetually dry skin), have you tried an avocado face mask before?

I found this one on Lauren Conrad's website, and I promise it works wonders. I was very skeptical at first, but I have done it for three weeks in a row now because I've been so pleased with the results! I would bathe in this stuff if I could. 

So anyway, I am doing this mask right now because I decided to buy new makeup today, play with all the new makeup, wash my face with a cleanser I've never used, and now I plastered some avocado and honey all over my skin. I am hoping my skin doesn't rebel too much from all that, because I'd rather not look insane for wedding dress shopping this weekend. Maybe the new makeup will come in handy?

Next up, here are some photos from my birthday weekend! We had a small party at home Friday night. I made strawberry cupcakes with homemade cream cheese frosting and we all made owls from Dollar Store play-dough!

^^^^^Love my astrology plate from the Salem Witch Museum.

After we decorated the basement, I felt like Jenna in "13 Going on 30" decorating for the cool kids to come over.

Mine is the pink owl in the party hat that looks a lot like Cee lo Green.

(I have a couple other photos that just won't show up. Anyone else having that issue on Blogger?)

Another random aside...I was at breakfast with my friend this morning and she said, "Hey, there is this British lesbian Youtube vlogger who looks just like you!"

And you know what? She does! Or at least...I tell myself she does because she's really pretty....

(Photo via)

(Photo via)

That's Rose, of Rose Ellen Dix on Youtube. And she and her girlfriend Rosie (Rose and Rosie. How cute is that?!) are hilarious.

I also get Emmy Rossum, Kate Winslet, Keira Knightly and Katy Perry. I don't really see any of them, but I love being compared to them!

I have run out of things to say. Ending blog posts is always so weird.

Good night!

Do you long for another place?

Is there a place somewhere in the world that you not only want to visit, but feel like you have a connection to? You can't get it out of your head, and it seems like home?

I do. Ireland.

I talked about my trip to Ireland here and here. I have been fortunate to visit twice in my young life, but whenever February/March hits every year, I want to visit again. I think I could describe it best as a craving.

When I was younger, I was fascinated with the culture, the music, the traditions, the food. I do have a bit of Irish blood in me, but I am far more German than anything.

I have visited other countries including Scotland, England and Spain, but I don't long for any country like I do for Ireland. Something about it felt like home. I felt entirely in my element. I think I feel a pull to Galway in particular, even though I've only spent about an hour there.

My dad feels a connection to New Orleans, and one of my friends feels drawn to Japan.

So friends, where do you feel drawn? Some consider it vague past life memories, others call it wanderlust. Regardless of the reason why, I want to hear about the place you can't get out of your head!

More Ireland pictures (Blarney Castle): Yes, I kissed the Blarney Stone. It was a lot more challenging to reach than I anticipated!

The Blarney Stone!

And for fun, this song:

Happy Monday!

23.

I don't actually believe it's my birthday. Really. It feels like I just had a birthday, and here it is again.

(I made that hat a few years ago. It's still my favorite, and I will wear it until it falls apart.)

I've always liked my birthday. It feels different. I walk around smiling at strangers like they also know it's my birthday. Like I have a glittered crown and balloons all around me. Maybe today I will.

22 was a strange year for me. A lot of smaller steps taken toward larger steps and hefty, heaping doses of uncertainty. You couldn't pay me to go through it again, but I wouldn't give anything to change it. I am ready to move on from my 22-year-old self. A lot of growth happened in that year, but I want my 23rd year to be a transformative one. I will have to make that happen on my own.

On my first day being 23, I am a little braver than I was on my first day of 22. I am much humbler. A tiny bit wiser. Healthier. More observant. And slightly stronger and more sure of who I am at my core. Actually, it's very similar to who I was at 5. I just went astray for some of those years in between. I am also much colder. (This day last year was unseasonably warm, and I remember carrying candy to the newspaper office without a jacket. This morning it was well below zero.)

I want my 23rd year to be gutsier than most, more colorful and artistic, and less selfish. I want to achieve some goals and get settled. But not too settled. I still crave room to roam. I want to continue to see the beauty in the world around me.

My only true goal at 23 is to be grateful for the days I have now. I am gaining a lot more gratitude and perspective with every passing birthday. It makes me honestly excited to grow old, if I am so lucky.

My wonderful Thomas. He is not a morning person or a breakfast person like I am, but he decided I should have a proper pre-work outing for my birthday. So we went out to the diner this morning!

I have pictures of this event, but they refuse to show up right now. So here are my Smitten Mittens from Thomas! Perfect for our cold-weather walks. And yes, that is a joined mitten for hand-holding.

To you other Aquarians out there celebrating around this time, happy birthday!

Tears really freak me out.

Hello! It's Tuesday, and we're about to get another 8 inches of snow dumped on us in addition to the 8 we got this weekend, so I'm just getting settled in for another night (and tomorrow, and tomorrow night...) in.

I was reading this post from MacKensie's blog today about crying, and it made me think about my own emotional responses to things. I can tell you this much: 90% of the time, they are not appropriate for the situation.

Crying

Oh boy. This one has been a doozy my entire life. Some people cry freely and openly, without a care in the world. Some of these people happen to be most of my friends and family. Nowadays, I will ONLY cry in front of Tom, and that's only if he finds me. Usually I hide in the dark under my covers, or cry into whatever dish I happen to be cleaning. (Doing the dishes is one of my favorite crying times.)

And then I get really upset that I'm crying, because I calculate the time I'm wasting. If I cry a lot, and I don't want anyone to know I've been crying, then I'll have to hide out in a corner until my face gets back to normal. And I can't leave whatever place I'm hiding out in until then. I will cry in front of strangers no problem. But people I know? No thanks. I've known people for nearly a decade who have never seen me cry.

I once scheduled in some crying time. I put it on my to-do list. I actually scheduled five minutes to cry in the bathroom. Cried, put some sunglasses on, and headed to work. I think that is the INTJ in me.

Crying People

If you cry to me, I will get severely uncomfortable. And I will, I WILL end up making you cry more.

Case in point: Sophomore year of college, my friend and I were about to leave our Spanish class when the professor said he would give us all of our grades up to that point. Apparently hers was not what she wanted, because as we were leaving class, she proceeded to have a meltdown. (Which was probably a normal crying level for a human, but for me, it was a meltdown.)

She was afraid she would be demoted as a residential hall staff member, her GPA would suffer drastically, her parents would be disappointed, etc.

For you normal people out there, what does this situation call for? If you said "a hug," you are correct. This girl is a hugger, and that's really what she needed. But me being me, I deal with feelings as logically as humanly possible. I have been known to stop, mid-cry, and discuss how it's simply the hormones making me do this, and return to my crying.

I turned to this poor girl and said, totally void of any sympathy, "Don't you have a GPA-based scholarship, too? You should check to see if you'll lose that." She said she had forgotten all about her scholarship, REALLY started to break down, and walked in the direction of the nearest nail salon.

If you cry around me, I will just plow through your feelings to find the answer to your problem. I'm getting better, but I'm still. so. bad. Or in the case of my roommate, who was crying in the bathroom, I'll just pretend it's the shower making those sounds and ignore it entirely.

I promise that my well of empathy runs very, very deep, but the bucket just refuses to bring up any water, so my loved ones never have any proof. (I'm sorry for that metaphor. Really.)

I'm even terrified to try on a wedding dress in a few weeks because I might get teary-eyed, WHILE standing on a pedestal in front of people who are all staring at me. How do those "Say Yes to the Dress" girls do it?! (Yes, I am trying on dresses a year and a half out. It took me a year to choose an engagement ring. This will also take forever.)

So now that I have portrayed myself as a robot-human devoid of the feels, I can assure you, videos of soldiers returning home or sad animals make me cry every time. It's inevitable. I don't even fight it. And if you're a touchy, feely, crying sort of person, I love you. Seriously. I admire all my emotionally expressive friends!

Are you a "cry at the drop of a hat" or a "hide behind my sunglasses and blame it on allergies and onion ninjas" kind of person?

Blog Every Day in January: I can't finish things, resolutions and courage (the Cowardly Dog)

Whenever I work out, there is this issue I have. If I am supposed to do 15 reps of something, I do 14. If I'm supposed to do 30, I do 29. Sometimes I tell myself I have to do 31 just so I get every rep in, because something about that last rep is so darn unattainable.

This applies to my "Blog Every Day in January" challenge. I actually did much better on this than anticipated! That being said, I couldn't seem to bring myself to blog Friday or yesterday, so I am finishing up my January posts on Groundhog Day.

Via

My last three posts included a cause I support and my resolutions. So I will do those and be done with this challenge! (There are two topics I didn't feel like doing, so I just...didn't do them.) It's going to be weird to try to blog without pre-set rules.

A cause I support: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Over the course of my lifetime, whether it be through people I know and love or volunteer efforts, I have seen the effects of domestic violence and abuse. It stays with people. It haunts them. And sometimes people can't, or don't know how to, leave an abusive situation. So this is one cause that has always been important to me. I like the NCADV, but there are a lot of local groups that I like, too. It's a battle worth fighting, and the statistics are staggering. I don't have a lot of money right now, but even if I did, I always enjoy volunteering my time to help. I don't do it nearly enough, but getting to see people and making them smile can make a huge difference. There are times I felt very down or alone, but the kindness of a stranger turned my day, or even my week, around. I think the power of human connection is often forgotten or underrated.

My Resolutions:

I know it's a little weird to end January with resolutions, but I like to give myself a little time to consider the year ahead and decide what I want to do. Plus, my birthday is this week so that feels like more of a new beginning to me than the calendar year. 

I don't make them often. When I do, they tend to be too vague for actual achievement. This year I tried to change them up a bit.

1. Finish two more books. I am publishing a fiction series, but only the first of three books is actually done. Getting going on the other two has been a challenge because I have been so stressed about finding a job. I didn't have much creative energy flowing. Sometimes you just have to sit down and get started. So this year, I'm hoping to get both completed. 

2. Work. Yes, this one is vague. But it doesn't feel that way. It is a loaded resolution. My focus this year is career, so that is the whole underlying theme of 2014.

3. Explore my spirituality. As I get more comfortable with who I am, I am trying to focus on finding out if there is a religion or spiritual path that I can connect with. My family wasn't very religious, so we were allowed to do a lot of our own exploration. (Except I did attend a Catholic School, but Catholicism didn't do it for me.) I am open to pretty much any religion. I have been doing research over the past couple years, and there is one that seems to speak my language. I don't believe that there is one "correct" religion out there. I think it's something each individual has to find on their own. This year I hope to continue seeking out the tools to develop my spirituality. 

4. Do something that scares me. I am a CHICKEN. Ask anyone who knows me. I have no problem speaking in front of an enormous crowd of people, but ask me to go to a bar (someone could drug me!) or go sledding (people die that way!) and I freeze up. My mantra this year is to just try things, and to take risks. It's healthy. I am the human version of "Courage the Cowardly Dog." Also, did anyone else find that show really, deeply creepy??

(I googled Courage the Cowardly Dog memes and found these. Sorry if the first one ruins your childhood.)

Via

Via

5. Learn to cook a chicken. Or any chicken, really. I always char it! Except the slow cooker, which never chars the chicken. I am learning to love the slow cooker.

6. Finish reading The Count of Monte Cristo. Eventually. 

I have lots of little "eat well, sleep more" kinds of things, but those are always around. 

What are your main resolutions? How do you stay on top of them?

Happy February!