Lengthy life update: Work, success, and snow.

Before I say anything, I need to point out that it snowed by me last night. Real snow. The kind that stuck to the ground enough that Tom and I went outside and had a snowball fight. I am only a little ashamed to say I wished people already had lights up.

Anyway, to the point of this post...

I am someone who has lived the better part of my life in a state of chaos. Whether in my surroundings or only in my mind, it was there. And it became a sort of comfortable prison for me. One I depended on and learned how to navigate.

My life has changed drastically over the past six months. It had been changing slowly for years, but once I left school, it was entirely different, as it likely is for anyone graduating school.

I used to work more than 40 hours a week, plus school full-time. I reveled in all that, because...who knows why. But I did. It made me feel so good for people to comment on how busy I was, and how they didn't know how I managed all that. For some sick reason, the best compliment anyone could pay me was to tell me how there was no way they could manage a plate quite that full.

Graduation was a rude awakening for me. I left my brand new job after only two weeks because I knew, deep down, that it was wrong. I went back to my internship, where I am now. And I like it. I like getting up in the morning and going to work. It's comfortable, I know what I 'm doing, and I love the people there.

I want more, of course. Much more. I don't always know what that means, and right now, I feel like I can't see six inches in front of my face.

I follow some blogs where other people are in my shoes. Job hunting, job changing, trying to find their place. So I write this because it has been so amazingly helpful and reassuring to find out that this is a normal process at any age, but especially when you're 22.

I find it particularly difficult that I get so much satisfaction out of working. It ranks very high to me to find a job that I feel does some good. I don't want to work for just a paycheck. I want to work to feel like I am using every ounce of my potential, and to do something I feel I was born to do. It is a double-edged sword that at a young age I have experienced a taste of what that might be like, and now, it's hard to ignore.

I don't need that right now. I don't need that today. But I remind myself of it constantly so that I never forget about it.

I have readjusted my idea of "greatness" and "success." It's a clunky, challenging process, but it's necessary. I firmly believe in building the life you want, and right now, I'm gathering the pieces.

Never, ever in my wildest dreams did I think a logical, somewhat cynical, person like myself would be engaged months after graduating, with a career path that was totally up in the air.

I couldn't have asked for a better shake-up, a more valuable reality check, to challenge every guarded assurance I ever gave myself out of fear.

It has entirely re-wired my definition of a successful life, and I am looking forward to learning more.

I am still young, after all, and still a little selfish, wrapped up in my own goals with plenty to learn. But I think that's normal, too. And useful, to some extent. But every year I get a little older and wiser, and it makes me excited for every coming birthday.

So...that's a ridiculous word explosion of where my head is at these days. Hopefully someone else can relate and think "Thank god I'm not the only one."

Because you're not. With that, I'm due for more green tea, because it has caffeine and Tuesdays are hard.

-Heather